How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives

Let me just start by extending my utmost gratitude and appreciation to the author of this book. For years I watched in horror as my cat made decision after reckless decision, wasting eight of his precious God given lives. A tale as old as time...His first life was lost to marijuana poisoning. Second and third, sacrificial satanic rituals gone awry. Fourth life lost after a pistol misfire during a wild western style dual with the neighbor’s cat...(and don’t even get me started on the neighbor’s cat!) In his fifth life he hussled too hard. That one is particularly difficult for me to talk about without triggering a series of violent emotional fits, my apologies. During his sixth life he dabbled purr-fusely as an esteemed purr-fessional gigalo, falling victim to a wicked transmitted disease (Looking at you, neighbor’s cat!!!), the likes of which modern medicine has yet to find a cure. Much to my dismay, both his seventh AND eighth lives were spent smuggling weapons (and catnip) across the Canadian border. My cat, an arms dealer? And smuggling the “purr-p nip” illegals?! I’d just about had it, friends. One day shortly after he’d entered his ninth life, I noticed he’d checked out a book on Satanism from our local library. I’d also witnessed him making soft eyes at the neighbor’s cat. "NOT AGAIN" I thought, “NOT THIS TIME AROUND.” Fearful of what would happen if I didn’t intervene, I began to research diligently for any applicable preventative guidance that might be available to the public. I was determined to secure the purity and safety of my dear cat during his final curtain call in this malicious world! By chance, I stumbled upon this glorious and assistive owners guide. It has more than just your average, run of the mill tips and tricks. It provided my wounded heart and weary spirit with a roadmap to facilitating positive change. In it I found a fresh perspective and countless renewed approaches for talking openly with my cat, sans hesitation. We discussed the errs of recklessness with calculated purr-pose. Sure, we were both hesitant at first... cautious, slightly flustered and embarrassed. Despite the temporary social discomfort this book paved way for opportunity in developing an unfiltered bond of trust between the two of us. We collaborated. We discussed our feelings and experiences. We enlightened each other with the gift of perspective from our own personal lens. My cat now lives each day to the absolute fullest. He helps out around the house, folds laundry, and even makes dinner one night a week. He studied and invested in the stock market, finding a decent amount of success therein. He hasn’t stolen my car or any petty cash from my purse to this date and has yet to watch a single R rated film, insisting he has no desire to ever do so (the only exception being the Wolf of Wall Street). As an additional bonus he managed to convert the neighbor’s cat to Christianity, both of them swearing scout’s honor to a life of respectable celibacy! He also practices mindfulness, meditation and gratitude in hopes to one day land among the monks. Friends, I can now proudly declare that my cat has turned over many a new leaf! He is a positive and astute influence for all, a jovial saint, a blessing with fur—and it’s all thanks to this book! If you can relate in any way to the troubles and tribulations outlined in this review and are for some reason still on the fence about purchasing this book, allow me put your indecision to bed. You will not regret this investment in the slightest. Even if you don’t personally own a cat but know someone that does, buy it. It’s worth every penny to secure this credible, top-drawer reference guide! Educate yourself and everyone you know for the greater good. Don’t wait for your cat to lose another of their nine lives, buy today! Knowledge is power and safety is key, click “buy it now” and grateful you’ll be.All the stars!

Best book. Very informative. It better prepared me for the hard conversations that are necessary to have with a growing cat in today's America. I am happy to be able to better teach my boys how to survive in the harsh world.

It was a gift.

A fun and silly book

I read an excerpt from this to my cat every night before bed.Because of this I know I can count on her to take up arms and protect me.

The book is very funny if this is your kind of humor. It’s very divisive, but I think the general consensus is that this is heavily disguised satire. I honestly don’t think it’s right-wing ideology, but rather supposed to sound like it with cats juxtaposed to make it silly. Got it for a friend as a gift, initial reaction was shock at some of the riskier bits but was overall laughed about.

Let me start by saying that Mr. Whiskers (my cat) is my best friend in the whole world. We do almost everything together! I say almost everything because neither my doctor’s office or the Arby’s where I work will allow Mr. Whiskers inside, although I do sometimes sneak him in to work anyway. He just looks adorable in the little baker hat I bought for him.Although I love Mr. Whiskers dearly, he is not the smartest cat. In the span of just two months he went through 7 of his 9 lives. It started innocently enough with him sneaking into work with me and helping me with the fries, but he got a little too close to the fryer, and yada yada yada he lost one of his lives.Suffice it to say he sunk into a deep depression having lost his first of 9 lives. This set him down a terrible path that I could not stop him from going down. He quickly changed form my sweet little Mr. Whiskers into an unrecognizable monster. He began to drink more heavily, and all at hours of the day or night. I tried hiding the alcohol, locking him in the basement, and even taking him to AA meetings but nothing worked.His heavy alcohol use soon turned to a reliance on drugs. At first it was almost imperceptible, just a bit more catnip than usual, but it soon turned quite serious. He started with meth, then quickly moved into heroin. Before I could stop him he had lost 2 more of his lives.I had hoped he had hit rock bottom, but knowing he still had 6 lives left only encouraged my sweet Mr. Whiskers to take wild and unnecessary risks. He became fascinated with Evil Knievel and insisted on recreating some of his most dangerous stunts. He lost one life trying to jump a gorge, and another when his home made rocket that was to take him higher than any cat had ever been exploded at the launch pad.Mr. Whiskers and I had a falling out and I told him he could no longer stay with me if he was going to continue down this reckless path. I thought I was just showing him some tough love but he called my bluff and moved out. It wasn’t long before I saw a wanted poster of him at the post office. He had joined a street gang and was involved in the second hand gun market. He was apparently arrested after threatening a man who refused to let him rub against his leg. The man said he didn’t think anything of it at the time, but when he got in his car a few days later he looked in his rear view mirror and saw Mr. Whiskers in the back seat, with dead steely gray eyes just staring at him while he polished a gun with his cute little paw. The man was so scared he turned into oncoming traffic and Mr. Whiskers lost another life.With just 3 lives left Mr. Whiskers decided he needed to change. He came back home and sobered up. I bought this book as a last gasp effort to save him from himself. Unfortunately when the Amazon driver delivered the book he pulled into the driveway too quickly and ran over poor Mr. Whiskers who was out enjoying the sun. That one’s on me, that’s my bad, I shouldn’t have let him out there in the first place, but I thought the sun would do him some good.So now with 2 lives left I can say that Mr. Whiskers is a new cat. He has learned a lot from this book, and I have found a way to talk about the things that I just didn’t know how to say to him when he needed it most. Highly recommended. 5/5 stars.

In a tense, divided world, this little book brought me so much laughter, I had to buy three more copies for friends. It's the purrrfect antidote to our troubled times. Trust in Christ and please, please--talk to your cat about gun safety.